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Glass Slipper Publishing's Weekly Break Up Support Blog and Newsletter / Breakup Support Column
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The Secret to a Happy Relationship...

'DO YOU ACCEPT YOUR PARTNER?'
by Glass Slipper Publishing (You may join our mailing list by clicking here)

Recently my eldest daughter visited me. We hadn't seen each other in some years due to my inability to travel because of my health; of course, money was an issue, too. Our visit was fun and we had a great time swapping stories about things that had happened since our last visit.

One of the stories my daughter told me was about a friend of hers (I'll call her 'Linda') who was married to a man that was less than 'loyal' (I'll call him 'Alan'). In fact, from what I gather Alan had quite a history of many extramarital affairs in the past. The thing that seemed to baffle my daughter was that his wife, Linda, seemed to have 'tolerated' his affairs.

She told me that she once confronted Linda about this to which Linda replied, "As long as he comes home to me and the children."

Hmmm?

Well, it seems that Alan, again, started having yet another affair somewhere around the time of the birth of their third child. During the time of this affair he started sleeping on their living room couch every single night, refusing to join Linda in their bedroom at night. As my daughter explained it, apparently one day Alan comes home from work only to find that their entire bedroom suite had been moved into the living room and completely setup - right down to the bed being made. Bed frame and headboard, mattress, box spring, clothes chest and dressers, bedside tables...the whole shit-and-shebang all moved to - and set up in - their living room. Confused, Alan asked Linda what was going on. Linda simply replied to him, "Well, if you are not going to join me in our bedroom, then I guess I will just have to join you in our living room."

From what I understand that was quite some years ago, and Alan and Linda are still together.

So, how much are you willing to 'accept' in order to be with your partner, and keep your relationship together? Would you accept cheating? Would you accept abuse? Would you accept non-contribution?

For many, many years I have told people that the secret to a successful relationship is a total 100% acceptance of your partner, and of your partner's habits, ways, idiosyncrasies - both the bad and the good. I have told people that if you cannot accept something about your partner than you have two options, one is to leave, and the other one is to stay and be miserable. Why? Because without 100% acceptance you cannot be happy. You can tolerate, you can look the other way, you can 'try' to change them ... but ultimately you will end up secretly resenting them, and you will not be happy. Only with totally accepting them can you have a happy, successful relationship.

In our ebook, How to Get Over a Breakup (http://lovehurts.us), I talk about acceptance and I also talk about the methods we use to try and manipulate people and gain control over people and certain situations when we feel we can not accept them as they are.

Such methods are:

Manipulation
Sweetness
Playing victim
Niceness
Forcefulness
Threats
Helplessness
Sex
Illnesses
Tragedies
Rescuing tendencies
Addictions
Neediness
Pushiness
Assertiveness
Hopelessness
Flattery
Bullying
Becoming indispensable
Financial manipulations
Martyrdom
Silent treatment
Coercion
Loyalty
Infidelity
Intimidation
Total surrender
Ultimatums

Ironically, all this manipulation does is to make us feel 'nuts' and even more 'less in control' of the situation. Only in letting go and accepting do we find peace in our relationships. But acceptance doesn't mean total abandonment to 'self'. It doesn't mean you have to let people walk all over you! What it means is that you have to know where to draw the line. What are you willing to accept? When you make it clear that you are not willing to accept certain behaviors in your partner, or in your relationship, you give your partner the opportunity to work at pleasing you and growing the relationship.

Without setting these standards you risk the loss of respect from your partner and you diminish your worth to them. So while acceptance is wonderful, it in no way means that you should degrade yourself and be a doormat. It simply means that you have standards and expectations, that there are things you will accept about your partner - such as failing to get their socks in the hamper or spending every weekend watching sports, and then there are things that you simply will not or can not accept. (I would have put Alan out with the trash!)

I often talk about forgiveness being the key to recovering from a breakup, but true forgiveness cannot exist without first finding true acceptance. Acceptance is in realizing that you and others have the 'right' to be who they are, they have the right to be flawed, they have the right to make mistakes and bad judgments, and they have the right to want what they want. Even if it goes against your wishes, wants, and desires - they still have the right to pursue their own course in their own life. Peace comes when you accept that they have the right to do just that, and when you can find forgiveness towards them had their decisions or actions directly or indirectly hurt you.

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Section 2

Today's Inspiration, Poem or Quote:

"It's not the days, the hours, the minutes, nor the seconds that count. It's man's actions and reactions to them that make or break his life's journey." ~Tigress Luv, The Breakup Guru

Today's Prayer or Thought:

"Another's measure of us is not as important an account of who we are as our own measure of ourselves. When we feel hurt by another's misguided notion about us we must ask ourselves what rings true about their opinion of us that makes us feel so rejected?