The Letter

The following is a letter I wrote to a woman who emailed me. She had found that after gaining some weight the man who was with her had refused to 'love' her the way she was. Her letter described torrents of abuse, infidelity, and disdain from a man she proposed to 'love'.

Hello,

First off, let me say that when I read your letter I was so moved emotionally that I honestly had to 'put it away' for a day before I was able to even answer it. I want you to know how very sorry I am for all this emotional pain and turmoil you are going through. You must realize that this pain of yours has to 'stop', don't you?

I will try to answer your letter - in my own opinion, of course. You have the right to listen to me, or to disregard what I say. Whatever your choice is, let me warn you that you probably won't like what I have to say to you - at all!

I can see from your letter that you, like me, are and can be perfectly content with yourself and your own company. Unfortunately, somewhere over the course of the last year you have forgotten that. Somewhere over the course of the last year you have lost yourself into that of another.

I know all about the 'soulmate' image we can create in our minds. I, myself, had always believed that there was only one true soulmate for each of us - and even that I had met mine (he died in our fourth year together). But, if you think about it, isn't it amazing that our 'one and only' not only happens to exist on our planet, and in our solar system - but in our lifetime, usually live within 100 miles of us, and are even in the same age range! What a coincidence! In other words, one and only soulmate - humbug!

You seem like a very intelligent, astute woman who has a good head on her shoulders and is not easily persuaded by charm. Yet, what scares me is how much you are willing to change 'you' and how much 'garbage' you are willing to take just to have this man in your life. Another thing that amazes me is that you tend to stick up for him, completely abolishing him from any wrong-doing. You seem to have an excuse for everything he has done, i.e. it was because of depression/sexual needs/lack of physical attraction/not wanting to hurt me, etc. Why can you not see this man for the selfish liar that he has proven himself to be - over and over again? (Told you you wouldn't like what I had to say.) I don't really believe that you are that 'desperate' to have a mate that you would put up with this, but I do believe you have subconsciously put your blinders on to the true facts about him - maybe out of your 'need' to have him in your life. I often wonder why people are so willing to completely change themselves into that of another person just to 'keep' a mate? You must be 'you', or you will forever be living a lie. Your mate must love you for 'you' or you will forever be walking on eggshells, trying not to let the 'real you' slip out. Who wants to live like that? Too, there seems to be a lot of misunderstood issues in the bedroom area and I have to wonder; do you always want to spend your sex-life together worrying that you are doing something wrong, or too unaggressive, too overweight, not firm enough, not assertive enough - or that any minute he could put a 'sex ad' in the paper looking for more because you didn't satisfy him? In fact, I really have to question the faithfulness of this man from day one.

Obviously, this man does not want to communicate with you on a serious level. He wants to keep things light and airy - in other words, he wants his cake and eat it too. He wants to have you in his life, but not have to feel obligated or committed to you. It's always been my opinion ( and proven to me time and again) that one cannot remain 'just friends' with someone that they are in love with, or sexually involved with. It's just NOT possible. And, no, I don't believe he is going through such a 'self-discovery' process that you should remain meekly (and weakly) in the sidelines waiting for him - hoping beyond hope that he won't find another. Why would you want a man that feels he has to sow all his wild oats somewhere else before plowing your fields?

His 'want ad' seeking a "more sexually aggressive woman, that is not as 'fat'" has me concerned. This man, and his 'sex-want' ads, obviously has some major 'issues' that you are choosing to ignore. He is not someone I would want to spend my life with, nor father my children. Could you honestly ever relax with a man like that? Do you think that perhaps you are 'glamorizing' him and your time together in the past, simply because the thought of being out of a relationship is too painful? I have to wonder if you are subconsciously making him and the relationship better than it actually was?

I sense, too, some 'control' and 'power' issues on his part. Verbal abuse? As most abusers can be, did he come on strong and charming? Did he make you feel special? Possibly, this man was such a charmer (as most abusers are) that you really did think the relationship was wonderful, and he was wonderful - and you will remain adamant to those beliefs - even at the cost of your emotional well-being. This is called psychological-abduction and is very common in verbally/emotionally abusive relationships. Before they are even aware of it, the abused becomes a 'walking-disciple' of the abuser, completely entranced by the abusers 'control' over them. And without logical reasoning. 

It is apparant that this man has proven himself to be a liar over and over again, and has insulted you, making you appear to be at fault. This is a form of mental/verbal/emotional abuse and if continued will only escalate. Do you want to be with a man that you can't trust, a man who's word is about as good as last week's bread? a man that makes you feel inferior? A man that makes you feel that if only you could 'fix' this or that about yourself than everything would be okay? A man that can take a reasonably secure, self-confident woman and subtly turn her into an emotional basket-case in a matter of a few months?

You say that you believe the type of woman he is looking for is 'you', except for a few minor exceptions, i.e. 'overweight' and 'sexual issues/misunderstandings'. Those are not 'minor' exceptions! Those are major exceptions! Also, it seems like you are very willing and eager to 'change' in order to be his 'dream woman'. You also feel that if you are just given more time/chances to be more sexually aggressive, or thinner, or this, or that - that you can change his mind. Gimme a break! Don't you, at some point, want to be 'you'? Which, I believe, is not a thin, sexually aggressive woman. Maybe you should stop trying to be what "he's looking for" and start concentrating on what "you're looking for" - and, no, he's not the "one-and-only" man for you. I believe you have, perhaps, 'molded him' (in your mind) into your one-and-only, but that might be because you desperately wanted him, or needed him, to be. Remember, like me, you were once perfectly content with your own company.  

My personal opinion is for you to try and forget about him. Don't contact him again. Don't confront him on his lies. Give him back to himself and move on with your life. Thank God for bringing him into your life for a while, and then let go and let God (or kismet) lead your life where it may. Who knows what waits around the next corner? By letting go and moving on you are forcing him to do one of two things. One, if he TRULY loves you he will 'wake up' and seek you, wanting to reconcile. Or two, he will let you go and move on (which he seems to have done already, anyway). 

One of these two things is the only answer you'll need. You can't keep trying to remain in his life by changing the both of you - trying to mold you both into the 'perfect soulmates' fantasy. It just doesn't work that way! It only succeeds in making you crazy with grief, and worry, and stress, and anxiety.

This whole situation is obviously tearing you apart, as the pain that was evident in your letter tore me apart. My heart just wept for you. As painful as it may sound, you really need to let this man go (at least for now) and back off from him and the relationship. Get back to 'you' and your life. Most people are afraid that if they back off a little that the object of their affection will move on and eventually forget about them. But, ironically, the real reason is that they, themselves, are afraid that if they back off that THEY will forget about the object of their affection, and they don't want to do this. They are so 'in need' of having someone to love that the fear of losing that love is all-consuming. 

My advice remains the same - let it go. Let him go. Give him back to himself. Trust God to lead you. God probably has some wonderful plans for you, but you'll never know what they are if you stand adamant in this 'limbo' - refusing to take that bend in the road and go around that 'unchartered' corner.

A great way to rediscover yourself is to walk. Go for a walk. Today. Tomorrow. Every day. If you ever want to meet 'you' just take off walking! Not only do you get to know 'you' again (something we lose sight of in a relationship) but you end up losing weight, having great legs, and a terrific tan!

Again, I am very sorry if I seem to be cruel in my answer. That is not my intention! My intent is to help you find yourself again.

"A man who cannot see past an 'imperfect' body, also cannot see past a 'perfect' one." ~by Tigress Luv

Article published by Glass Slipper publishing, the Breakup Gurus. For more breakup advice and forums please join us at the Lifted Hearts Breakup Support Forums & Community at http://liftedhearts.com.