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Glass Slipper Publishing's Weekly Break Up Support Blog and Newsletter / Breakup Support Column
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THE DEMONIZING EX
by Glass Slipper Publishing (You may join our mailing list by clicking here)

This week we want to write about 'demonizing''.

For those who are not aware of this term it means the act of turning someone's image into a 'demon'. In other words, and in regards to many of the situations here, it basically means when an ex (one who had loved, adored, or perhaps even 'worshipped' you when you were together) all of a sudden starts to see evil, bad, or extreme ugliness in you, or overt wrongdoings - when these wrongdoings never actually happened! Translation: they 'twist' good or 'innocent' things you do or have done around in their heads to fit into their distorted (false) bad image of you.

A lot of people who don't want to break up will focus on the 'good' parts of their ex, but those who want to break up and who do not want to love their ex anymore (or who desperately want to get past the pain and hurt) will focus on the ex's bad, and even make a list of all their faults and flaws. This is quite NORMAL!

However, demonizing an ex is different in the respect that their 'bad thoughts' go above and beyond the actual truth. Positive actions are exaggerated into becoming negative actions, faults and flaws are stretched out, and even 'good' memories of certain events (when together) are distorted into becoming 'bad' memories of those same certain events.

If this has happened to you then you probably were dumbfounded how your ex could so suddenly HATE you with a vengeance and think that you were the most VILE creature to have ever walked this earth. It is flooring!

Demonizing goes above and beyond just a normal looking for the bad in the ex in order to kill the pain of a breakup and move on. The person who demonizes you may even 'invent' in their head certain actions and situations with you which never actually occurred.

Commitmentphobic people and narcissists are especially prone to demonizing. They use demonizing as a way to justify their own bad behavior, and to not feel guilty or responsible for their actions. Surely, if they can demonize the other person then they can safely place blame on the other person for their own poor treatment of them, or their negative actions or undesirable behaviors.

Narcissists, too, use demonizing as a way to project their own faults and flaws onto the other person, and thus not feel the shame associated with the very things that they, themselves, are guilty of possessing. Demonizing gives the perpetrator the feeling of power, dominance and control. The demonizer can actually make their partner feel 'crazy', off balanced, or shameful - and thusly their partner becomes more compliant, complacent, and codependent.

Can demonizing actually make us become more attached to the demonizer? Yes! These types of emotional bondings are extremely difficult relationships to leave. Pathological bonding (or toxic bonding) can be much more psychologically stronger than bonding that occurs in a healthy relationship.

I think that being demonized is one reason (of many) people become so attached to the partner with psychological disorders, or why they grieve so much after leaving him or her. It is their intense need to have had this man or woman just ONE TIME accept them and love them in a normal and gentle way.

They probably have never received this from him or her, and to have never received this must have been be very damaging to their own sense of self-worth. They were and are starving for a normal and gentle love and their egos and pride feel bruised by the fact that they were not 'special' enough to cure all their partner's delusions and bring him or her to their 'senses'. They end up feeling less than, and lacking in attraction and power.

They end up not feeling good about themselves anymore and desperately feel the need to regain their partner's love, respect, admiration, and acceptance again in order to feel good about themselves once more.

Hence, they strongly attach to him or her desperately needing to be accepted, loved and appreciated by him or her so that they once again may regain their ego and feelings of self-worth.

Commitmentphobic people have their own special need for 'demonizing'. Somewhere in the relationship they will start to find fault in their partners - this is the commitmentphobe's way of always having an 'out'. They store these 'flaws' subconsciously, thinking to themselves, "well, I could NEVER marry him or her - I couldn't possibly spend my life with a person who has that 'flaw'!" He or she needs to find these flaws as their escape ticket to cash in and use as an excuse when the time comes to exit the relationship (and the time WILL come!)

The commitmentphobic person does some major faultfinding, and blatantly points out your flaws - real or imagined (this is the stage where your ego is crushed and your self-esteem takes a massive nose-dive. He or she will concentrate on the one thing about you that you CAN'T change - such as your religion, your height, your skin tone, your family, your financial status, etc.) He or she exaggerates your faults and flaws to enormous proportions, and then uses these as an excuse for his or her abandonment, leaving them to feel completely blameless in their decision to desert you and the relationship.

If you have been demonized you can rest assured that you are not the 'horrible' person they may make you feel like you are. They have a whole, long Trail of Tears that they have left behind them. You were not the first on this Trail, nor will you be the last, to suffer the pain of loving the demonizer.

To read more about commitmentphobia please read our books on commitmentphobia at http://commitmentphobia.net or visit our site at http://commitment-phobia.com.

For more on narcissism please visit our site at http://breakingupwithyournarcissist.com.

Also visit The Breakup Eraser to read "The Breakup Eraser".

Section 2

Today's Inspiration, Poem or Quote:

Eternal Punishment

Cold steel bars surround my heart
Buried deep within
Let Fate turn wheels and bring the start
The punishment begins
A metallic spike driven through my wrist
To bring about the pain
A crimson reminder of an unshared kiss
And a future that was slain
Bound by iron shackles
Forced to listen and believe
Reality now cackles
Only temporary reprieve
I want to trust you, lover
Bite down another nail
I didn't know there was another
Stand up, walk, and fail
I blink away the tears
As she pours on the acid
Eating away at unlived years
The scent she leaves is acrid
Captor smiles as I bleed
The hope-sword thrust into my side
Almost believing your cries; "It will always be me"
It took a long time for me to die"

© Elisabeth Jean - from Sad Love Poems and Quotes

Today's Prayer or Thought: