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Glass Slipper Publishing's Weekly Break Up Support Blog and Newsletter / Breakup Support Column
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'REVENGE ON THE EX'
by Glass Slipper Publishing (You may join our mailing list by clicking here)

In my last newsletter I wrote about breakups and the 'trash talking' that sometimes occurs between the two estranged partners. It's sad that we often see breakups as war with a winner and a loser. We think we must win, that we must come out looking better than them...it's almost like we want to punish someone for rejecting us, making us hurt, or cheating on us. But why? Are our egos that small, that sensitive?

The truth of the matter is YES. As humans most of us have very fragile egos. This is an integral part of our natural 'survival' instincts - to be accepted and run with the pack. But rejection is a devastating thing in itself. In fact, when a person experiences rejection it activates the same region of their brain that becomes activated when they experience physical pain. The simple truth is that 'rejection' is crushing and excruciating for many.

When you have experienced rejection, betrayal, or other types of emotional injury, the natural instinct is to hide--from God, others, and even yourself. Oftentimes, you developed this hiding pattern during childhood as a useful way of protecting yourself from a threatening environment. But in adulthood, this hiding pattern can also keep you separated from those fulfilling, trust-based relationships that help you thrive.

For most of us when faced with rejection our natural instinct is to try harder to be accepted. Thus, the very strong desire to get back together with your ex and to get on their good side once again. If the reunion fails to consummate, or if the rejection continues, we then face a period of intense emotional pain and hurt; we may withdraw from friends, family, or social situations. As the pain continues we start to feel anger and along with the anger we may also feel a strong need to 'get even' with or 'seek revenge' upon the person who we feel is the cause of our anguish. We erroneously believe that revenge will make our pain go away. Unfortunately, many acts of revenge end up costing the avenger more than the victim.

And, come to think of it, by doing something mean, cruel, or vengeful aren't you essentially giving them even more reasons to reject you? Aren't you basically telling them that their decision to dump you to begin with was the right decision? That you are a little 'off'', 'out there', 'whacked', or unworthy of them? In fact, wouldn't you agree that about the BEST revenge would be to have them begging for you to take them back - and you rejecting them in return?

See, when you do something vengeful, you might as well go crawling back to them on your hands and knees, begging them to accept you back again and to walk all over you. You are letting them know that you are so lowly that you can be devastated by their mere opinions of you ... that you base your whole worth on the mere acceptance by them alone. So who is the one that will end up paying here? Certainly not them! Initiating a cruel, mean, or vicious revenge may make you feel better briefly, but it will haunt you for years to come with a deep shame and regret. You will ultimately be the victim of your revenge, not them. Can you imagine the smug look on their face as they see you squirm?

Often times, too, when a relationship ends we feel like we may have 'lost face'. We may feel humiliated, less than, or substandard and 'rejectable'. In order to regain our pride and feel good about ourselves once again we seek methods to make us appear the 'better' party. We become enemies of our exes, the person we once claimed to have loved, and we will stop at nothing to make them look bad in order to make ourselves look better. "He didn't break up with me, I dumped him!" Surely, if we value them then we must also value their opinions - and one of their opinions was that we were not worthy (of them). So we go out of our way to 'devalue' them, to demonize them, and to seek revenge - all in a feeble attempt to kill our own pain.

However, real betrayal and rejection cannot be cured by revenge but rather by forgiveness. Forgiveness is the only thing you need to end your pain and humiliation. Unfortunately, for many 'revenge' is the first thing we may seek to do. We feel we have been wronged and 'revenge' seems like a logical way to restore the balance. Revenge is so popular that hardly anyone out there can't relate to at least one tale of revenge. And revenge makes for excellent movie plots!

Popular movies based on revenge:

Kill Bill
Fatal Attraction
The Count of Monte Cristo
Death Wish
The First Wives Club
The Punisher
Oldboy
Gladiator
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Revenge
Waiting to Exhale
Demented
Outlaw
Payback
Straightheads
I Know What You Did Last Summer
Freeze Me (Freezer in the UK - incredibly disturbing!)
Man on Fire
The Limey (must see!)
Death Sentence
The Brave One
Sudden Impact
The Last House on the Left
The Virgin Spring
Walking Tall
The Bride Wore Black
Carrie
I Spit on your Grave
Collateral
Vigilante
The Godfather
Tombstone

While these movies do create some feel good moments in those who have been wronged, the ultimate revenge still is in getting the last laugh. And you can get the last laugh! Most times the greatest revenge is to look and feel your best without them, to show them that you have moved on and that you are in control of your life. But truly the best revenge is simply to 'reject' them back. It's classic. You'll soon see that the greatest revenge you can get on someone is to first, reject them, and second, to forget them. Mirror, mirror on the wall...

By moving on from the relationship you show them that you are in control of your life and that they weren't all that important to you, afterall. You reject them back. And the best way to move on is to find forgiveness; you can find total self-empowerment through the act of forgiveness. You can gain total control over someone simply by 'forgiving', and then 'forgetting' them. And if you still truly want to seek that ultimate revenge? Then do it this way: feel sorry for them. It kills them!

Finding forgiveness for those who have hurt us is very beneficial to our post-breakup peace of mind. For information on finding forgiveness please read, How to Get Over a Breakup.

Section 2

Today's Inspiration, Poem or Quote:

"There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness." - Josh Billings

"He that studieth revenge keepeth his own wounds green, which otherwise would heal and do well." - John Milton

"When you seek revenge, dig two graves." - Confucius

"Do not fear your enemies. The worst they can do is kill you. Do not fear friends. At worst, they may betray you. Fear those who do not care; they neither kill nor betray, but betrayal and murder exists because of their silent consent." - Bruno Jasienski

Today's Prayer or Thought:

"At the end of life we will not be judged by how many diplomas we have received, how much money we have made, how many great things we have done. We will be judged by 'I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat, I was naked and you clothed me. I was homeless, and you took me in.' Hungry not only for bread, but hungry for love. Naked not only for clothing, but naked of human dignity and respect. Homeless not only for want of a home of bricks, but homeless because of rejection." - Mother Teresa